fear of fears
What's your worst fear?Losing a loved oned?
Dying young?
Living an unfulfilled life?
Having your heart broken?
Then there's the usual suspects of fearing the unknown among others.
Me? I'm usually afraid of every single thing. But what I fear most of the time is the idea of being left behind, alone.
It's just a weird thing to be scared of, personally speaking.
And it's not the idea of being independent (that's something I actually want). It's something deeper than that, rooted way inside of me and who I am.
Whenever people leave me behind, like on a trip very far away, it feels as if the world have come crashing down on me. I feel so...empty. It's as if the mere thought of not being able to see them or be with them puts my life on a halt. Someone had hit the pause button.
I even wonder sometimes that it probably has something to do with my dad leaving for the states when I was young. That was my very first heartache. Seeing him leave the house, all packed up, sad and all. It was the most heart wrenching event I have ever felt in my life.
Fast forward to 10 years now and it still feels the same, every single time. I kinda put myself in an enclosed case to which I draw strength from everytime he leaves. I surrounded myself with enough happiness to make me feel that yes, he will come back soon.
I was ok already.
But being in a different situation now, being in a relationship where similar things aslo happen, is way different but coincidentally feels the same too.
Every goodbye, even for just a little while, felt like a million years of being away with each other. A test? Maybe. But I was never strong enough for this. I think I am, but this is different.
Distance clearly is not an enemy I can face.
posted by starry-eyed lean at
4:39 PM
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